Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Today I'm depressed

The whole cosmos seems against me. Why? What have I done wrong? Why is life giving me a hard time?

For what this whole rigmarole? This maya? This getting up in the morning, going to work, having food, sleeping cycle?

Is there any point to this whole shebang?

I mean, wealth, health, call it whatever you will. Is gaining all this of any use? For what? What is the purpose? Why is the purpose?

What surprises me, is why have been given this urge, this questing mind, and this want and this hunger to know this purpose.

After all, animals live, trees live, rocks live, the whole earth lives. Does anyone else ask these questions? Is there any need to ask?

Wouldn't it be nice if we could NOT ask these questions? Not be bothered by the lack of answers. Not wonder what this whole life is all about.

Sometimes, death seems interesting!

Monday, July 12, 2004


A quote from 'Guide'...

Baatein karne ke liye itna taras raha tha ki socha thodi pee kar, apne aap se kuch kahunga. Zindagi ek nasha hai dost, jab chadta hai to pucho mat, kya aalam rahta hai, lekin jab utarta hai....

Din dhal jaaye hai, raat na jaaye
tu to na aaye, teri yaad sataye

Speech, talk, discuss. Why this urge to communicate? Why? Why wanting someone else to understand? To empathise, to understand, to just listen? Is it inherent in humans? Or is it inherent in me? And is it required? Can't I just be quiet for some time, an hour, a day, a week, a month? Not talk, not discuss, not converse?

Will I go crazy? Is the only time I stay quiet is when I sleep? That's weird no? I'm becoming like a computer! Open the Windows Task manager and the computer still seems to be doing something when nobody's sitting on it! Talking to itself, talking to other parts of itself, talking to anything and everything it can connect to, and things it can't connect to as well! Wow. We're building machines after ourselves!

Is all this talk really worth it?

If silence is golden, then no thoughtness is .... ?


Quiet. I want quiet. I want peace. I want silence. Whispers shouldn't be heard. No murmurs either. Just quiet, peaceful, white hush. Not dark, morose, dank, quiet. No. Quiet. Not the dark, depths of space. No. The bright, whites of bliss. That's what I want. Bliss. Eyes closed. Faint smile. Eyeballs under eyelids still. Bliss. Slow, light breathing. Beautiful death. That's what I crave for.

My life is too much a burden for me. The voices. The debates, the quarrels, the competitions. All this talk. All this discussion. For what? Pointless. Why not just take a boat and go into the middle of the lake. Where nobody can reach you. Where you yourself can't reach you. No phones ringing. No emails to check. No voicemails to delete. Just a hushed silence.

Where has all the quiet gone? In this era of technology, where has all the silence gone? In this era of waves of data, atmospheres filled with binaries, where has the sweet smell of nothing gone? I crave that smell. I crave that hush. I long for that gentle breeze, which blows waves on grass, which creates silent ripples in ponds.

Quiet. No explanations required to be given. No words required. No ideas, no thoughts, no mind. No guilt, no fear, no bravura, no proving, no convincing. Peace.

Longing, craving. Dying. Each and every moment. Dying. Both the moment and myself. Dying. Slowly. But surely. Not getting older. Just dying. Moment. Gone. Breath. Gone. And after that breath? Is there life? Is breathing life? Is it worth just breathing?

Death. Welcome. Let's embrace. Not death in sadness. No. In happiness. In bliss. In silence. In passing. Passing on. That's what I welcome. Passing on. I've lived enough. I want to pass on. I've failed everywhere. Now it's time to pass on. A life breathed, yet not lived. Quietly slipped by. Quietly, as if ashamed at having lived, ashamed of having born. Quietly pass on. No applause. No ovations. No remembrances. No memories. Aspirations. All dead. Or dying. Wishes. Gone. Wants and needs. Unfulfilled. How much longer will this chase last? Tired of running. Tired of making up a mirage to chase after. Just bone tired. Just one wish. To lie down and pass on. Close my eyes. Shed the last tear. And quietly, silently, move on.

Fare well.


And so...

I begin a new life....